Venting and Rambling.....

Home... Past and Present

2009-07-10T12:03:00.005-04:00

I've been inspired... I doubt anyone even reads this anymore but...

I sit outside my new place and watch the deer munching on the grass. I think to myself,"how is she so peaceful?" there are so many questions brought on from this nature surrounded house. Is it really home? How do I make it home? wait... Home is where the heart is... Mine is upstairs playing guitar... playing my soundtrack. I think I've got it... I've found serenity.

The deer looks at me. What is she thinking? Is she questioning me? She takes a few steps closer and nervously continues eating. She has no clue what my intentions are but is willing to take the risk but why? Is the grass better closer to me or does she just like the thrill of danger? The thrill of the unknown...

I start examining my life as it is now... in Westchester. I live with my heart next to me. My heart as my partner but not mine for I gave what was left away. I spend hours outside the house sitting as still as possible watching the animals scramble around me. I'm free. I live my life for my head and my heart. I've made my new home here.

The deer looks at me again as to bid me farewell and casually walks off into the trees. A squirrel jumps from branch to branch... but the rabbits haven't found me here yet. They used to greet me every night in my old home. They would play with each other and wait for me to emerge from my shelter to show them that I care enough to pay them a visit. They used to bring me peace but I guess it was just too far to travel for them... Their relatives might find me someday but until then I will sit and wait. This is my new home though and though I don't do well with change, this change is a good one.

I leave in my old house memories that are bitter sweet. Memories of lost relatives, failed relationships, lost friends, bad habits, and unfairness. But there are also memories of a loving family, wonderful parties, and those relatives and friends that I enjoyed spending time with. Is it time to move on and leave those memories behind? Is it time to start living in the present and future and leave the past behind? Maybe so... but those memories will flow back to me as soon as I return for a visit... Hopefully the rabits will wait for me.

spring skiing at Cannon and Lake Placid

2009-04-01T21:28:00.012-04:00

driving on an old road to a new place

2008-07-20T23:02:00.000-04:00

I'm in the passengers seat on a road traveled many times by myself but it might just be that road less traveled. Its the road to countless memories of mountains, waterfalls, rivers, swimming holes and much much more. We discovered a beautiful place today where even on a hot muggy day you can be comfortable and crazy all at one time. There are people jumping off of cliffs, hiking and still enough nature to find yourself alone with the trees and the water... The only thing around to buzz at you are the bugs. Can't wait to spend some more time there.

Tonight's The Kind Of Night

2007-07-20T00:51:00.000-04:00

This is the kind of night where someone would love to spend the night out in the wilderness with the sounds of the forest singing in your ear, planes passing up above, lying next to the one you love. The wind passes over your skin and through the branches of the trees nearby. you lie on a blanket on the ground and nothing overhead but the many mysteries of the open sky. The glow of the moonlight outlines his features just enough to see that he's enjoying the night just as much as you. It's too humid for bugs to be out and about, but just cool enough that you want to get close and cuddle. It's just so perfect that you can create your own soundtrack in your head. This would be the perfect night. How many people actually get this kind of ancient romance? I want it...

Independence Day

2007-07-03T23:27:00.000-04:00

Its a funny thing, Independence Day... Most people call it the Fourth of July... Which it is... but they completely loose the meaning of the day... its a day off... the market is closed and so are summer schools... but what it is, the birthday of our nation, is completely forgotten. It's the day the Americans gained independence from a foreign nation... a day for celebration... do you celebrate your friends' birthdays? How about your own? Why not celebrate the Birthday of the country you live in?

Miss Me Baby

2007-07-01T09:37:00.000-04:00

Miss me baby
When you hear our favourite song,
Miss me baby
And when you start to sing along
Think about all the times that we danced
In moonlight to it all night long, oh
Then miss me baby.

And want me honey,
Like you did the night you told me that you loved me
We couldn't wait anymore.
Left the keys in the door, took my hand
Pulled me down on the kitchen floor.
Yeah, we were that crazy
Then miss me baby.

Chorus:
Because when he's holding you,
Know that it's killing me,
Let my memory be the reason girl
That you can't sleep
And everytime you feel his touch,
I pray to God it's not enough
And that I've touched your heart so deep
Girl, you can't shake me
Cause I love you,
Yes I need you,
Miss me baby.

Miss me baby,
Until you can't take it no more
Miss me baby
Pack your bags and hit the door
I'm a man, I was wrong, forgive me
Come back home
I'll be waiting
Right here waiting
Miss me baby.

Chorus:
Because when he's holding you,
Know that it's killing me,
Let my memory be the reason girl
That you can't sleep
And everytime you feel his touch,
I pray to God it's not enough
And that I've touched your heart so deep
Girl, you can't shake me
Cause I love you,
Yes I need you,
Miss me baby.

Everytime you hear this song,
Miss me baby...

GOING THROUGH HELL

2007-04-26T09:27:00.001-04:00

Back to childhood memories

2007-04-26T09:06:00.000-04:00

Did you ever wonder if you had a chance to be a kid again, would you make an effort to enjoy it even more than the first time around? I'd like to think so. With the great weather lately, I've had this earge to play softball. I just realized how difficult it is to find a team that really plays when your over the age of 18.
I'm sitting in the front yard with my mitt and ball looking for someone to play with. Even if I find one person you cant hit the ball around with just 2 people... the most you can do is have a catch... Its just not the same as it was in High School where i was forced to practice every day for the team and sometimes I had two games a day... one for school and one for rec. now I cant even find a group of people to just fool around with. Oh well another hobby gone...
Now lets talk horses!!! hopefully I'll be back in the saddle soon... I'll keep you posted on that!! til next time...

Pics from Colorado!!!

2007-03-23T05:15:00.000-04:00

Dad Stuck in Deep Snow in CO

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I Gotta Let U Go.....

2006-11-27T11:51:00.000-05:00

Broken promises
But you don't really mind
It's not the first time and you know it
Don't you know
Tell me why it is you only smile inside
But when you break me into nothing
Don't you know
It's not like I haven't tried over and over again
Stupid fights, wrong or right
Goodbye

Music Video Code By Urbnmix
ashley parker angel - let u go

[Chorus:]
I remember when you came with me that night
We said forever, that you would never let me go
But here I am again
With nothing left inside
Know I don't wanna
But I gotta let you go

You're the one mistake I really didn't mind
So beautiful, unmerciful
It took me down
Too little and too late
See now I know your kind
You fake it easy just to please me
Don't you know
It's not like we haven't tried over and over again
Sleepless nights, wrong or right
Goodbye

[Chorus:]
I remember when you came with me that night
We said forever, that you would never let me go
But here I am again
With nothing left inside
Know I don't wanna
But I gotta let you go

I gotta let you go
It's you
There's nothing I can do

[Chorus:]
I remember when you came with me that night
We said forever, that you would never let me go
But here I am again
With nothing left inside
Know I don't wanna
But I gotta let you go

Pondering

2006-11-14T00:00:00.000-05:00

It's a rainy night in november and all of a sudden this song comes on and my feelings are all of a sudden put in to music... and not my own...it just hit the spot... you all know what I'm talking about... That song that is just being sung to you and it sinks in whether you want it to or not... it just does... November Rain- Guns-N-Roses...

Music Video:NOVEMBER RAIN (by Guns N' Roses)

Music Video Code provided by Video Code Zone

When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain
We've been through this such a long long time
Just tryin' to kill the pain
But lovers always come and lovers always go
An no one's really sure who's lettin' go today
Walking away
If we could take the time to lay it on the line
I could rest my head
Just knowin' that you were mine
All mine
So if you want to love me
then darlin' don't refrain
Or I'll just end up walkin'
In the cold November rain

Do you need some time...on your own
Do you need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone
I know it's hard to keep an open heart
When even friends seem out to harm you
But if you could heal a broken heart
Wouldn't time be out to charm you

Sometimes I need some time...on my
own Sometimes I need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone

And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain,
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain

Don't ya think that you need somebody
Don't ya think that you need someone
Everybody needs somebody
You're not the only one

Nostalgia

2006-11-13T12:13:00.000-05:00

It's funny how our brain works... Today I read waiterrant and its newest post brought back great times of my first time on a date in a fancy restaurant.

It was a nice cozy Italian restaurant in a nearby town upstate. The salad was exquisite... the waiter was polite... we ordered off the menu and nothing has been the same since...

A simple blog will make you think of all the firsts that you've had and will never have again... the first time in a fancy restaurant... the first kiss... the first time cooking a romantic dinner for two at home... the first love...

After your first anything, nothing seems quite as special. You can go to a fancy place again but then its just "going out"... You can kiss again but then its just a kiss...you can love again but its never going to be as exhilarating...

The firsts of our lives will always have a place in our hearts.

I Smell Snow

2006-10-30T21:07:00.000-05:00

The air is getting colder... the leaves are falling and the smell of snow is in the air... November 15th is the tentative opening date for Hunter and I can't wait... My skis have been waxed and sharpened and are ready to go at a moments notice...
I got a text from a friend last week and it read... IT'S SNOWING!!! this was at 5 am and normally I'd be jumping down this kids throat for waking me up that early on the one day I could sleep in but this was a welcomed wake up call!!! the winter is looking good thus far and I can't wait to see what is in store for the coming season... SKI 4 LIFE!!!

Just an Update

2006-10-05T09:41:00.000-04:00

It's been a while so I thought it was about time to post a new blog... I have a new job now!! OUT OF AN OFFICE YAY!!! I'm teaching at risk students in Trenton 2 days a week and loving every minute of it (especially the ride to the school where I get to drive my boss's BMW 645).
There's a chance for a subway series!! Look out split NY families!! My mother is going to go nuts when the Yanks beet the pants off the Mets but thats akey with me... just makes the post season that much better...
Speech team info... Im on the Brookdale speech and debate team and the season has started!! I went to my first tournament of the year and took 3rd with my poetry piece !! YAY!! Next weekend I'm going to penn. and hopefully I'll be able to keep up with the higher demands that were set on me early in the season... More next time...

Third Wheel

2006-08-18T11:16:00.000-04:00

In an office of three, you would think that everyone would have a tight relationship seeing as there is really noone else to communicate with but i find myself an outcast. Today is my last day and i will have one week of summer before school... but i find my spirit dry and wanting. Wanting someone to have lunce with... someone to fill a little bit of the day with conversation...BUT NO!!! I find myself an outcast once again in the course of my life... What else is new... From Kindergarden all the way up through highschool I've been an outcast... why should now be any different. The only conversations that arise are whether I filed a paper I shouldn't have or whether i didn't file a paper i should have... HOW INTERESTING.. well since today is my last day and all... this past week has been abnormally quiet... noone was asking me to do anything because its my last week... and it cant go any slower... on the upside Ive been able to catch up on my reading of Waiter rant ...so i guess thats a good thing..well I'll talk to you all later... LOOK OUT SUMMER HERE I COME!!

Summertime and the livin ain't easy....

2006-08-09T09:04:00.000-04:00

AHHHHHHH summer... Hot days...warm sun...and.... sitting in an office at a desk staring at a computer all day...
What ever happened to the way summers used to be? Our childhood summers when it was a VACATION... not just another time to work full time at your part time job? I sit at my desk and look at my computer screen and I think to myself..."is this the closest I'm going to get to a wave for the rest of the summer?? It's practically over and I've been to the beach once and its passing me by. Summer used to consist of playing all day in the sun...going down to the Jersey shore...having no cares at all in the world and the most important thing on your mind was what you were going to wear the first day of school in a new grade... now it consists of working your ass off so that you can pay for school... books... and transportation to this school... What has this world come to? We used to work so we can live but now we live so we can work... well these were the thoughts running through my head as I passed all of the beach goers on my way to work this morning... Do those kids realize that all of the fun will be over soon? I sure didn't...

"I Dreamed A Dream"

2006-06-13T09:06:00.000-04:00

"I dreamed a dream in days gone by, When hope was high and life worth living..."

It's funny what dreams can do to your normal life. Myself, I don't have dreams to often, or maybe I just don't remember them. But when I do, they throw me off track for the remainder of the day. I sit there and wonder what it meant, and as the day goes by I try hard as hell not to forget. There was someone home next door and his sister was keeping him from me. She said he would only be home for a week or so. Then a white boat parked outside my house, what does it mean? I gave my brother all the money I had to give him a better life, and left myself on the streets. My parents moved when I was out and had no one left. except that white boat. There was a letter on the window saying if I needed to I could take up shelter there. I was down to living in a boat but my nephew had a chance at a good life. What does it mean? Did I remember it all? If not... why was it only these points I did remember? Things that make you go "HMMMMMMMM"

When Life Gives You Lemons...

2006-06-02T15:43:00.000-04:00

When life gives you lemons make lemonade?? No. When life gives you lemons you should pucker up and kiss ass as best you can. I like lemons myself, I'm used to them. Whenever there aren't any lemons I get nervous. I think that however good life gets it's going to get that much worse. What goes up must come down and the higher you climb the harder you fall. When I was miserable most of the time it was okay. I found the middle ground that wont make me fall, but then i never rose up. Now that I finished climbing for now, I'm falling............ I just wonder how much further I'm going to fall before I start climbing again or find my familiar middle ground. Until I get there I will pucker up as best I can.

Flash Backs

2006-05-26T12:11:00.000-04:00

I went to visit Tim yesterday. He was moved to another hospital. It just so happens that the hospital he was moved to, was the hospital that my aunt was in before she died.

I pull in to the parking lot and I hear my cousin telling me that we were just going to pick up cathy and go out to eat when I hear Ronnie say that there was a spot up ahead. I shake my head and pull in to the spot. Walking towards the building I'm playing on the curb as if it were a balance beam when Ronnie yells at me to hurry up and stop standing there doing nothing. I push my way through the rotating doors and stop. All of the feelings were so real, all of the thoughts so fresh, and I still hear andy in the background asking me what I wanted to eat... Charlie Browns? I would reply. anything you want.... Ronnie and I took the same elevators... went to the same floor... and looking at the bed there I see Aunt Nancy smiling at me and asking me what took so long. Kathy walks out of the bathroom and starts explaining Tim's rehab scheduele to me.

I went shopping that day. The last day. I went to the mall down the street and bought a halter top and my favorite jeans. That was almost 2 years ago and I remember it as if it were yesterday. I remember waking up to Cathy the next morning thinking, "what is she doing here? shouldn't she be at the hospital?" She was gone. Just like that, my Aunt Nancy was gone. "be strong" I would tell myself. And strong I was until I was alone.

I thought I wanted a career but it turns out all I want to do is SKI

2006-05-24T13:08:00.000-04:00

I know, I know, I know...... wrong season.... BUT I CAN'T HELP IT!!!!! I LOVE TO SKI!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Sacred Place of Peace

2006-05-23T12:13:00.000-04:00

There is a place in my life where I can go to get away. A place where there is no fighting, no one else's problems just me. This place exists not far from my house. Surrounded by trees and a lake I am alone and at peace. I find myself running to this place quite frequently these days. Its full of memories of hard times and childhood friends. Memories of heart break, family issues, and a childhood playground, the girl next door, the guys next door, the kid down the street, and the one across the bay. Believe it or not these memories bring me happiness and help me to think of better times. It reminds me that life isn't always so hard. Everyone should have a place like this that they can go to to put their minds at ease. Do you have one?

Рyсское Письмо

2006-05-16T22:33:00.000-04:00

What is it with other cultures that fascinate me so much? I spent most of the day working on a letter to a friend that I wrote in Russian. There's just something about the Russian culture that just tickles my pickle. Whether its the people's mannerism, the food, the drinks, the parties, or the stupid idea of taking off your shoes before walking around the house but wearing slippers instead (but then they'll wear the slippers outside... Doesn't that defeat the purpose?) It is definitely one of the more interesting cultures out there.

Sounds of the darkness

2006-05-11T02:53:00.002-04:00

I am sitting on my front step having what may be the last smoke of the night. The roads are wet and the trees are dripping from the past rain. The mocking bird cries for its love in the night. Its cries echo through the night as i think what could have happened to that bird to make it cry on the outside the way im crying on the inside. More to think about another day.

Music Music Music!!!!

2006-05-09T16:26:00.000-04:00

Its funny how music defines our life. From our childhood, we remember songs that were played to us to fall asleep and even if you hear just a little part of a song from our past, it brings all of the memories with it. Then through adolescence and relationships, school and the main reason I'm writing this today........Drum roll please...........Graduation!!!! A very close personal friend of mine graduated college today and I couldn't be happier. Pomp and Circumstance..... Remember your graduation? I had to play that damn song for four years in high school before it was finally played for me. The feeling that comes over when you hear a song like that or Stars and stripes forever... Maybe its just me... im a HUGE band geek and all but I just get this tingly feeling all over and im automatically happy. Its like my own addictive antidepressant!!! YAY

Flashes of the past

2006-05-08T11:47:00.000-04:00

The music we listened to, the smell of the rain, the taste of a grilled chicken caesar salad with a side of french toast, pictures of a white hill, or simply a hocky game all bring back these flashes of a time before. A time of Movin' Out, Sailing on the bay, Hockey in the church parking lot, breakfast at park place. So many memories...

What are memories for? are they there to help you remember a better time? or just to help you not make the same mistakes again? Memory - Noun -The mental faculty of retaining and recalling past experience. What the hell is that for? All of my memories remind me of better times and make me realize how bad things are right now. All I have are memories.

Memory is a child walking along a seashore. You never can tell what small pebble it will pick up and store away among its treasured things. ~Pierce Harris, Atlanta Journal

Walking away.....Smart??? not sure yet

2006-05-07T23:26:00.000-04:00

I made a decision yesterday.... whether it is the right one or not i will find out someday... not today but hopefully some time soon..... I walked away from my life hoping to start over new. Its not the easiest thing to do and anyone who's done it knows just how hard it is..... but on a lighter note.... ahhhh forget it.... the name of this blog should be "a blog from the lost"

Life? What is That?

2006-05-04T10:03:00.000-04:00

Life-noun- A living being, especially a person.....no......
Life-noun- The physical, mental, and spiritual experiences that constitute existence.....maybe......
Life-noun- Human existence, relationships, or activity in general....yes....

What is do we mean by having a life? Existing? Because we are... Enjoying our existence? because few do.... between the hassles of work and school, most find themselves without what we call a life. We do what we need to and cancel out what we want to do. Why is that? I don't know, but I keep on going with it. One of my professors told me that in order to stay sane, you need to take 15 min out of your day of necessities to do something for ourselves. Who the hell has 15 min for crap like that and even if they found the time... what is 15 min going to do? blink... 15 min just went by... Life is work.

Quality or Quantity When it Comes to Life??

2006-05-03T09:27:00.000-04:00

In sociology class last night, my professor was talking about whether quality or quantity was more important in life. I think for life itself, quality is much more important. For instance... my mother's patient has been dealing with ALS for about a decade... they just pulled the plug on her now when she couldn't blink, speak, or move in any way shape or form for about 8 years now. Her quality of life sucked and she is better off now. Timmy on the other hand could still have a quality life... hopefully... he's been in acoma for a month today... and the longer hes out the more likely it is that he wont be waking up. In the case of a 21 year old... is 21 yeaars enough quantity to have true quality? The question is yours.

Life is what you make of it

2006-04-14T02:07:00.000-04:00

Some people think that life is something that a "Higher Power" controls but i think that life is guided by that higher power and how we deal with is is up to us. I have a very close friend (more of an older Brother) that is in the hospital with major head trauma right now. He took what god gave him, which was an argument with his girlfriend, and threw a shit fit. He sped off down our street on his quad, skidded out, hit a curb then flew in to a tree. For all of you that will ask this famous question, NO he wasn't wearing a helmet. It was strapped to the back of the quad. Now he's in acoma at Robert Wood Johnson University Hospital for a little over a week and I have been with him every day thus far. Other than the head injury he suffered a completely blown out knee and minor cuts and scrapes. I dont know why he did that and from what the nurses say he most likely wont remember. But this is what he has made of his life. I hope that with this experiance everyone around him will make better decisions in life and come out a little bit better than they did going in. "Everything happens for a reason" they say. What that reason is i dont know right now but it always does work itself out in the end. What will you make of your life?

Oh Jeeze!!!!!!!

2006-03-02T17:26:00.000-05:00

I got an e-mail from a professor today.... it showed me the luxury i would've been staying in for an entire 8 days if czech air didn't suck so much and sell nontransferable and nonrefundable tickets to a fucking school...>!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHH they make me so mad.... all of these money hungry people in this world make me so God damned mad...... I mean one of my friends had a ticket to go to salt lake and couldn't use it because his wife had just been diagnosed with breast cancer and had keemo therapy during the time when he would be away and they wouldn't transfer it to another person who would've liked to go and they wouldn't give him any sort of refund...... HOW SCREWED UP IS THAT?!?!?!?! like how much more money do these people need...... IM SO PISSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Another day at work

2006-02-28T14:59:00.002-05:00

it seems that all days are one... blended into one another with just a short nap every 20 hrs or so... I go from job#1 to school to Job #2 to school to Job #3 and then back to Job#1 !!! I want it to stop.... i had something to look forward to but money is nonexistant in my life and now i look forward to that short nap......... but first school