Flash Backs

I went to visit Tim yesterday. He was moved to another hospital. It just so happens that the hospital he was moved to, was the hospital that my aunt was in before she died.

I pull in to the parking lot and I hear my cousin telling me that we were just going to pick up cathy and go out to eat when I hear Ronnie say that there was a spot up ahead. I shake my head and pull in to the spot. Walking towards the building I'm playing on the curb as if it were a balance beam when Ronnie yells at me to hurry up and stop standing there doing nothing. I push my way through the rotating doors and stop. All of the feelings were so real, all of the thoughts so fresh, and I still hear andy in the background asking me what I wanted to eat... Charlie Browns? I would reply. anything you want.... Ronnie and I took the same elevators... went to the same floor... and looking at the bed there I see Aunt Nancy smiling at me and asking me what took so long. Kathy walks out of the bathroom and starts explaining Tim's rehab scheduele to me.

I went shopping that day. The last day. I went to the mall down the street and bought a halter top and my favorite jeans. That was almost 2 years ago and I remember it as if it were yesterday. I remember waking up to Cathy the next morning thinking, "what is she doing here? shouldn't she be at the hospital?" She was gone. Just like that, my Aunt Nancy was gone. "be strong" I would tell myself. And strong I was until I was alone.

I thought I wanted a career but it turns out all I want to do is SKI

I know, I know, I know...... wrong season.... BUT I CAN'T HELP IT!!!!! I LOVE TO SKI!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Sacred Place of Peace

There is a place in my life where I can go to get away. A place where there is no fighting, no one else's problems just me. This place exists not far from my house. Surrounded by trees and a lake I am alone and at peace. I find myself running to this place quite frequently these days. Its full of memories of hard times and childhood friends. Memories of heart break, family issues, and a childhood playground, the girl next door, the guys next door, the kid down the street, and the one across the bay. Believe it or not these memories bring me happiness and help me to think of better times. It reminds me that life isn't always so hard. Everyone should have a place like this that they can go to to put their minds at ease. Do you have one?

Рyсское Письмо

What is it with other cultures that fascinate me so much? I spent most of the day working on a letter to a friend that I wrote in Russian. There's just something about the Russian culture that just tickles my pickle. Whether its the people's mannerism, the food, the drinks, the parties, or the stupid idea of taking off your shoes before walking around the house but wearing slippers instead (but then they'll wear the slippers outside... Doesn't that defeat the purpose?) It is definitely one of the more interesting cultures out there.

Sounds of the darkness

I am sitting on my front step having what may be the last smoke of the night. The roads are wet and the trees are dripping from the past rain. The mocking bird cries for its love in the night. Its cries echo through the night as i think what could have happened to that bird to make it cry on the outside the way im crying on the inside. More to think about another day.

Music Music Music!!!!

Its funny how music defines our life. From our childhood, we remember songs that were played to us to fall asleep and even if you hear just a little part of a song from our past, it brings all of the memories with it. Then through adolescence and relationships, school and the main reason I'm writing this today........Drum roll please...........Graduation!!!! A very close personal friend of mine graduated college today and I couldn't be happier. Pomp and Circumstance..... Remember your graduation? I had to play that damn song for four years in high school before it was finally played for me. The feeling that comes over when you hear a song like that or Stars and stripes forever... Maybe its just me... im a HUGE band geek and all but I just get this tingly feeling all over and im automatically happy. Its like my own addictive antidepressant!!! YAY

Flashes of the past

The music we listened to, the smell of the rain, the taste of a grilled chicken caesar salad with a side of french toast, pictures of a white hill, or simply a hocky game all bring back these flashes of a time before. A time of Movin' Out, Sailing on the bay, Hockey in the church parking lot, breakfast at park place. So many memories...

What are memories for? are they there to help you remember a better time? or just to help you not make the same mistakes again? Memory - Noun -The mental faculty of retaining and recalling past experience. What the hell is that for? All of my memories remind me of better times and make me realize how bad things are right now. All I have are memories.


Memory is a child walking along a seashore. You never can tell what small pebble it will pick up and store away among its treasured things. ~Pierce Harris, Atlanta Journal

Walking away.....Smart??? not sure yet

I made a decision yesterday.... whether it is the right one or not i will find out someday... not today but hopefully some time soon..... I walked away from my life hoping to start over new. Its not the easiest thing to do and anyone who's done it knows just how hard it is..... but on a lighter note.... ahhhh forget it.... the name of this blog should be "a blog from the lost"

Life? What is That?

Life-noun- A living being, especially a person.....no......
Life-noun- The physical, mental, and spiritual experiences that constitute existence.....maybe......
Life-noun- Human existence, relationships, or activity in general....yes....

What is do we mean by having a life? Existing? Because we are... Enjoying our existence? because few do.... between the hassles of work and school, most find themselves without what we call a life. We do what we need to and cancel out what we want to do. Why is that? I don't know, but I keep on going with it. One of my professors told me that in order to stay sane, you need to take 15 min out of your day of necessities to do something for ourselves. Who the hell has 15 min for crap like that and even if they found the time... what is 15 min going to do? blink... 15 min just went by... Life is work.

Quality or Quantity When it Comes to Life??

In sociology class last night, my professor was talking about whether quality or quantity was more important in life. I think for life itself, quality is much more important. For instance... my mother's patient has been dealing with ALS for about a decade... they just pulled the plug on her now when she couldn't blink, speak, or move in any way shape or form for about 8 years now. Her quality of life sucked and she is better off now. Timmy on the other hand could still have a quality life... hopefully... he's been in acoma for a month today... and the longer hes out the more likely it is that he wont be waking up. In the case of a 21 year old... is 21 yeaars enough quantity to have true quality? The question is yours.